Dear Know-it-all – The accent and changes to RTI

It’s time for another edition of your beloved column. Let’s face it, you can’t really do without me. I should probably check to see if I can claim this column as a tax deduction under 80C.

Our first question comes from a gullible reader who has fallen prey to yet another Internet hoax:

Dear Know-it-all,

I went to the movies with my friends today. We only had two options at our local theater – The Conjuring and Chennai Express. Since we were in the mood for some scares, we chose to see Chennai Express. I recently received a forwarded email which mentioned that anything Deepika says in her Tamil accent, when played backwards, reveals Satanic messages which affect the viewers subliminally. Is that true?

– living in fear

Dear living in fear,

Don’t be silly. It’s common knowledge that you don’t need to play her dialogues backwards to hear those messages.

It’s like no one has even heard of snopes. The next question comes from a self-proclaimed Indian patriot. Yeah, one of those guys:

Dear know-it-all,

Why is the government trying to push the changes to the RTI act? Does it think that all Indians are idiots and will let them do it?

– A true patriot.

Dear true patriot,

I don’t know about other Indians being idiots, but you certainly are one. Can’t you see that the call for amendments to the act has finally united all the political parties to fight for a common cause? Even the Independence Day speeches could not do that. I say it’s absolutely worth it even if takes a Right To Information Pact(see what I did there?) to get them to act together for once.

Dear Know-it-all,

I’ve heard rumours that the recent cricket series between India and Zimbabwe was fixed. Was it?

– A cricket fan

Dear cricket fan,

You’re right, that series was fixed. But now how you think – there were no towels or other signalling infrastructure involved. After making some detailed inquiries which included some frenzied Googling and asking Prabhakar to shoot some grainy videos, I’ve come to the inevitable conclusion – all the games were computer generated by the BCCI(I think Randy may be involved too). Now before you dismiss my claim citing the Law of Averages(even I have to be wrong one day), just answer the following question – have you ever met anyone who has claimed to have seen that particular series in person or on television? Exactly. Also, repeated attempts to get any information from Kohli who was the ‘captain’ for this ‘series’ were met with non-committal responses like ‘Who are you and what have you done to the real milkman?’ and ‘What are you doing inside my fridge?’ and ‘No, I will not give you my autograph on that!’ I rest my case.

That’s it for yet another edition. Just remember what a wise person once said before hitting that send button – ‘There’s no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people who ask said questions.’

Politicians ridiculed for thali-gate awarded honorary Doctorates, forgive nation for outrage

Mumbai, 29th July 2013.

In a surprising turn of events, the two politicians involved in thali-gate have gone from being the butt of a nation’s jokes, to being international heroes. The Indian Institute of Physics(IIP) announced in a press conference today that they have decided to confer an honorary doctorate in Physics to Raj Babbar and Rashid Masood for their discovery of time portals.

An artist’s rendition of what the entrance to the time portals might look like

“I’ve been having meals for Rs. 12 in Mumbai for as long as I could remember and was completely taken aback by the nation’s outrage at my statement. When Dr. Masood mentioned his 5-Rupee meals in Delhi I knew that something wasn’t quite right. While discussing the issue over our favourite TV show, Dr. Who, it suddenly hit us! We had stumbled upon time portals and had been eating at restaurants in the past. It was so obvious we were surprised that we hadn’t noticed it earlier. We contacted the IIP with our theory, and they confirmed it soon after. The doctorate was a pleasant surprise.” Dr. Babbar explained.

“We were very excited when Dr. Babbar told us the theory and immediately dispatched two of our best physicists to the locations. The results clearly proved that they had stumbled upon time portals, leading to the past, in Delhi and Mumbai. All this while, they had been eating at restaurants in 1943 and 1952 respectively. ” Dr. Jain(the dean of IIP) said.

“The last week has been very traumatic for both of us. I think the McBabbar jokes on Twitter were in bad taste and were very hard to digest for Dr. Babbar. Things had gotten so bad that we had to avoid walking past dark alleys for fear of being pounced upon by an answer-demanding Arnab Goswami. Some people would say that the nation owes us an apology, but we have chosen to forgive and forget.” a relieved Dr. Masood said.

Asked for his reaction to the confirmation of the discovery, Dr. Babbar said, “It was overwhelming relief followed by a sense of overwhelming responsibility. We could have kept the discovery to ourselves, but I immediately told IIP that we had to share it with the world. Babbar likes to sher, I said. Heh, Heh.”

The party celebrated by having a Rs. 2599(inclusive of taxes) buffet at the Taj. When asked why they couldn’t have catered the meal from the time portals, the spokesperson replied, “The one in Delhi is only active from 6-10 PM and we couldn’t find any volunteers to venture out on Delhi’s streets at that hour. And unfortunately, the one at Mumbai is submerged under water for the foreseeable future.”

Disclaimer: The entire article is a work of fiction. Delhi’s streets are only unsafe post 7 PM.