DKIA: Wooing a girl with poetry and a lesson in airplane safety

Welcome to yet another edition of Dear Know-it-all(DKIA) – the place where I heal the world one question at a time. Our first question today comes from a lucky someone who’s found his soulmate but is a tad apprehensive about how to approach her:

Dear Know-it-all,

I’m in love. I knew that she was the one as soon as I landed on her Facebook profile. She was a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. It was like we were meant to be together. The other three women I was stalking on Twitter and Foursquare paled in comparison. I knew that I couldn’t just send her any old introductory message. So, I toiled, and I toiled and then I toiled some more, then slept for a while, and then there was some more toiling until I came up with this:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wanna makes,
Fraanship with you.

What do you think?

– Desperately hers

Dear desperately hers,

I must confess that I like your style. There are only two ways to woo a girl – the way of the gentleman and the way of the creep. I like how you’ve honed in on the latter perfectly. Let’s face it, it’s much less work. Imagine bending down to lay your jacket in every Bangalore puddle you come across in this rain! And let’s not forget those skyrocketing dry cleaning bills.

I love the poem. Just one minor bit of feedback – violets aren’t really blue, they’re violet.

Ah, true love! I’m always happy to help it along. Our second question was called-in via phone by someone who has complete disregard for the law:

Dear Know-it-all,

I am currently travelling from Mumbai to Delhi by air for the first time. Midway into the flight, the pilot started telling us about the weather outside and the route that he was going to take. A quick check on my phone(luckily I had the required maps offline because it failed to connect to the internet) revealed that it was a very roundabout way of getting there. I quickly waved the air-hostess over with my phone and asked her to tell the pilot to turn the plane around. She stared at me with a look of horror, screamed something about it being every man for himself and jumped out of the plane with her parachute.  Now one emergency landing later, I find myself alone in the plane and the authorities seem to be on their way.  So, I’m calling you to ask what just happened?

– flying newbie

Dear flying newbie,

This’ll teach you to pay attention to the air-hostess when she makes her safety announcements. Studies have shown that mobile phones in airplanes are the biggest cause of airplane crashes, way ahead of pilots doing wheelies after playing beer pong and the riots resulting from the airline running out of vegetarian meals. I hope they lock you up and throw away the key.

Such irresponsible behaviour always gets under my skin!

Well, that’s it for another edition of DKIA, try not to do anything stupid before I return. And if you do, please keep it to yourselves.

 

Technorati code: EHWYV9NWMB74

Advertisements

Dear Know-it-all – Telangana concerns and trekking in the Himalayas

Most of you ignored the plea I made in the previous edition to stop sending me your questions. But since all of you obviously need my help really badly, I have relented to answer some more in this edition.

Our first question comes from a student who’s very worried about the recent decision of the government to doodle on the political map of the country:

Dear Know-it-all,

I’ve been having sleepless nights ever since I’ve heard about the Telangana split. How will I ever be able to memorize the names of all the states for my exams?

– A concerned student

Dear concerned student,

I’m amazed by the frivolity of your question and refuse to dignify it with a response. You are obviously not aware of the gravity of the issue that the government is trying to address here. With the recent exit of the Pune and Kochi teams, the next edition of the IPL will only last about half a year at best. The government has done the only responsible thing it could have by investing in the future of the IPL by implementing a policy of carving out new states every few months. Please think things through before sending such ignorant questions in the future.

Sometimes one just has to be firm. Oh well. The next question comes from a software engineer who has good taste in idols but is obviously deranged:

Dear Know-it-all,

I’m bored of my monotonous life and would like to live dangerously for a while like my idol Steven Segal. I’m planning to try and climb Mt. Everest next month. I’ve never actually climbed any mountains before though. In fact, I’ve never even climbed a tree. But I’m sure that it’ll be much more exciting than spending the entire day on Facebook and WhatsApp. What do you think?

– Bored software engineer with too much money

Dear bored software engineer with too much money,

I would strongly advise against doing something so impulsive and dangerous. Getting off Facebook for such a long time is something that should only be attempted by trained professionals and under appropriate supervision.

That’s it for this edition of Dear know-it-all. Remember, if you have a question, you can always Google the answer without bothering me with it.

Dear Know-it-all – Crossing the road in Bangalore and rotating cricketers

This blog has been brought out of incidental retirement to address a growing concern – ‘the large number of growing concerns that everyone has’. It’s no secret that I have a reputation of being somewhat of a problem-solver amongst my readers. I don’t know why that is, but it gives me a plausible reason to start what I call the ‘Dear Know-it-all’ section of the blog. So if you have any questions, concerns, problems, etc., please make sure you don’t send them to me because I have a huge backlog.

Our first question comes from a long term reader who’s promised to stop sending me videos of cats if I help him out:

Dear Know-it-all,

I have recently moved to Bangalore and am having a very difficult time crossing the road due to the maddening traffic. This results in me reaching my office late and in turn making my boss look reproachfully in my direction. What should I do?

Regards,

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Now, contrary to popular belief, crossing a road in Bangalore is not science, it’s an art. Look left, right, look left again, pray for strength, walk, jump over the open manhole, wave at the good man in the car to stop (his car, not his phone call), run, swerve right, swerve left, swerve right again, wave at the good man on the bike to stop(from doing wheelies and his bike), execute a triple twist, double spin somersault over the people coming from the other end and you’re done! Your mileage may vary.

Next up is someone with excellent taste and a question of national importance:

Dear Know-it-all,

One of my most favourite things to do(besides refreshing your site’s homepage) is watching cricket. The recent rotation policy has drawn a lot of criticism from everyone. What is your opinion on this?

Regards,

Your biggest fan!

Dear my biggest fan,

The rotation policy is obviously a Greg Chappell led conspiracy aimed at getting back at Sourav Ganguly. I tell all about it in my upcoming controversial tell-all book – ’24 ways to make pasta healthier’. In the meantime, I’ll just ask you this – have you ever seen Dhoni and Chappell together in the same room at the same time? I didn’t think so!

Until next time, this is your ever-humble know-it-all, signing out!