DKIA: Wooing a girl with poetry and a lesson in airplane safety

Welcome to yet another edition of Dear Know-it-all(DKIA) – the place where I heal the world one question at a time. Our first question today comes from a lucky someone who’s found his soulmate but is a tad apprehensive about how to approach her:

Dear Know-it-all,

I’m in love. I knew that she was the one as soon as I landed on her Facebook profile. She was a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. It was like we were meant to be together. The other three women I was stalking on Twitter and Foursquare paled in comparison. I knew that I couldn’t just send her any old introductory message. So, I toiled, and I toiled and then I toiled some more, then slept for a while, and then there was some more toiling until I came up with this:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I wanna makes,
Fraanship with you.

What do you think?

– Desperately hers

Dear desperately hers,

I must confess that I like your style. There are only two ways to woo a girl – the way of the gentleman and the way of the creep. I like how you’ve honed in on the latter perfectly. Let’s face it, it’s much less work. Imagine bending down to lay your jacket in every Bangalore puddle you come across in this rain! And let’s not forget those skyrocketing dry cleaning bills.

I love the poem. Just one minor bit of feedback – violets aren’t really blue, they’re violet.

Ah, true love! I’m always happy to help it along. Our second question was called-in via phone by someone who has complete disregard for the law:

Dear Know-it-all,

I am currently travelling from Mumbai to Delhi by air for the first time. Midway into the flight, the pilot started telling us about the weather outside and the route that he was going to take. A quick check on my phone(luckily I had the required maps offline because it failed to connect to the internet) revealed that it was a very roundabout way of getting there. I quickly waved the air-hostess over with my phone and asked her to tell the pilot to turn the plane around. She stared at me with a look of horror, screamed something about it being every man for himself and jumped out of the plane with her parachute.  Now one emergency landing later, I find myself alone in the plane and the authorities seem to be on their way.  So, I’m calling you to ask what just happened?

– flying newbie

Dear flying newbie,

This’ll teach you to pay attention to the air-hostess when she makes her safety announcements. Studies have shown that mobile phones in airplanes are the biggest cause of airplane crashes, way ahead of pilots doing wheelies after playing beer pong and the riots resulting from the airline running out of vegetarian meals. I hope they lock you up and throw away the key.

Such irresponsible behaviour always gets under my skin!

Well, that’s it for another edition of DKIA, try not to do anything stupid before I return. And if you do, please keep it to yourselves.

 

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