Dear Know-it-all – Summarising Shakespeare’s comedies and the perils of eloping


Hi there. Welcome to yet another edition of Dear know-it-all. The column where I try to pretend to give a damn about your various ‘problems’. Luckily, I’m getting pretty good at it. The first question for today is something I often wonder about, before going to sleep everyday too:

Dear know-it-all,

What is the gist of all of Shakespeare’s comedies? Please summarize in 300 words.

– it’s due tomorrow

Dear it’s due tomorrow,

Look under your bed for me, will you? See that brown paper bag? Pick it up. There should be an envelope inside that. Found it? Good. Now open it with your hands. Yes, it’s empty. But wait a little while.

Just a little longer.

A little more.

That should be long enough. Do you feel a sharp pain in your palms? Yeah, that’s because of the poison the envelope was laced with. You have 20 minutes to reach the hospital. Good luck.

Oh, and never send me your homework questions. It upsets me.

P.S.: You have a nice house.

P.P.S.: Don’t use your car. I think you have four flat tires. And the brake fluid may be missing.

He’ll be okay. The hospital is only 19 minutes away from his place. The next question comes from a woman with a sadly all-too-common yet heart-wrenching story:

Dear know-it-all,

I’ve been in a relationship with my friendly neighbourhood druglord for the last 3 years. He is also from a different caste and community. We had decided to elope last week after confessing our love to my parents. Imagine my shock when my parents accepted my boyfriend with open arms.  I had planned the elopement with great detail and was looking forward to the excitement, drama and controversy. The airline refused to refund my bookings too. How could my parents do this to me? What should I do next?

– nowhere to run

Dear nowhere to run,

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I know how much effort goes into planning and organizing a successful elopement. Parents sometimes forget how it feels to be young and in love. I would advise you to try and highlight your boyfriend’s various vices to them at any given opportunity and hope that they eventually come around. It would help if he can show them the impact that he has on society every single day. These things take time though and will require you to be patient. If all else fails, you should contact the local branch of your city’s moral police and ask them to intervene. They will surely help turn your parents/society against you two. All the best and do keep us posted.

It’s such a shame that this kind of stuff still happens in our country in this day and age. Oh well, that’s it for another edition of Dear know-it-all. It’s always a pleasure to answer your questions. Please keep sending them in. Remember, we only accept telegrams now.

Dear Know-it-all – The accent and changes to RTI


It’s time for another edition of your beloved column. Let’s face it, you can’t really do without me. I should probably check to see if I can claim this column as a tax deduction under 80C.

Our first question comes from a gullible reader who has fallen prey to yet another Internet hoax:

Dear Know-it-all,

I went to the movies with my friends today. We only had two options at our local theater – The Conjuring and Chennai Express. Since we were in the mood for some scares, we chose to see Chennai Express. I recently received a forwarded email which mentioned that anything Deepika says in her Tamil accent, when played backwards, reveals Satanic messages which affect the viewers subliminally. Is that true?

– living in fear

Dear living in fear,

Don’t be silly. It’s common knowledge that you don’t need to play her dialogues backwards to hear those messages.

It’s like no one has even heard of snopes. The next question comes from a self-proclaimed Indian patriot. Yeah, one of those guys:

Dear know-it-all,

Why is the government trying to push the changes to the RTI act? Does it think that all Indians are idiots and will let them do it?

– A true patriot.

Dear true patriot,

I don’t know about other Indians being idiots, but you certainly are one. Can’t you see that the call for amendments to the act has finally united all the political parties to fight for a common cause? Even the Independence Day speeches could not do that. I say it’s absolutely worth it even if takes a Right To Information Pact(see what I did there?) to get them to act together for once.

Dear Know-it-all,

I’ve heard rumours that the recent cricket series between India and Zimbabwe was fixed. Was it?

– A cricket fan

Dear cricket fan,

You’re right, that series was fixed. But now how you think – there were no towels or other signalling infrastructure involved. After making some detailed inquiries which included some frenzied Googling and asking Prabhakar to shoot some grainy videos, I’ve come to the inevitable conclusion – all the games were computer generated by the BCCI(I think Randy may be involved too). Now before you dismiss my claim citing the Law of Averages(even I have to be wrong one day), just answer the following question – have you ever met anyone who has claimed to have seen that particular series in person or on television? Exactly. Also, repeated attempts to get any information from Kohli who was the ‘captain’ for this ‘series’ were met with non-committal responses like ‘Who are you and what have you done to the real milkman?’ and ‘What are you doing inside my fridge?’ and ‘No, I will not give you my autograph on that!’ I rest my case.

That’s it for yet another edition. Just remember what a wise person once said before hitting that send button – ‘There’s no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people who ask said questions.’

Dear Know-it-all – Telangana concerns and trekking in the Himalayas


Most of you ignored the plea I made in the previous edition to stop sending me your questions. But since all of you obviously need my help really badly, I have relented to answer some more in this edition.

Our first question comes from a student who’s very worried about the recent decision of the government to doodle on the political map of the country:

Dear Know-it-all,

I’ve been having sleepless nights ever since I’ve heard about the Telangana split. How will I ever be able to memorize the names of all the states for my exams?

– A concerned student

Dear concerned student,

I’m amazed by the frivolity of your question and refuse to dignify it with a response. You are obviously not aware of the gravity of the issue that the government is trying to address here. With the recent exit of the Pune and Kochi teams, the next edition of the IPL will only last about half a year at best. The government has done the only responsible thing it could have by investing in the future of the IPL by implementing a policy of carving out new states every few months. Please think things through before sending such ignorant questions in the future.

Sometimes one just has to be firm. Oh well. The next question comes from a software engineer who has good taste in idols but is obviously deranged:

Dear Know-it-all,

I’m bored of my monotonous life and would like to live dangerously for a while like my idol Steven Segal. I’m planning to try and climb Mt. Everest next month. I’ve never actually climbed any mountains before though. In fact, I’ve never even climbed a tree. But I’m sure that it’ll be much more exciting than spending the entire day on Facebook and WhatsApp. What do you think?

– Bored software engineer with too much money

Dear bored software engineer with too much money,

I would strongly advise against doing something so impulsive and dangerous. Getting off Facebook for such a long time is something that should only be attempted by trained professionals and under appropriate supervision.

That’s it for this edition of Dear know-it-all. Remember, if you have a question, you can always Google the answer without bothering me with it.